Lots goin on! Nicole tolerated the move like it was nothin. She is semi consious, in and out. But that doesn’t mean her memory is there at all, or hit and miss, no one knows, she’s the one that can say. The morning of the move I knew was a consious time and that she needed to be told what was going to happen. So I bend over her and made everyone wait. I told her that we had to move her to a nice place in SF that would help her like P.E. classes and get her strong again. That we had to put her in an ambulance and it was a good ambulance ride, not a bad ambulance ride. That me and Daddy will be driving behind the ambulance with her stuff and we will be there at the new P.E. place when she gets there. After they got her in her new room, and we put all her stuff away I went to her to see how she was, seemed consious. So I asked her if she was ok, she gave me the tiny yes nod. I told her she’d been in a wreck, that she’d been sleeping 52 days and that the people here were special hospital rehab doctors that were ready to help her get well now that she’s starting to wake up. One tear ran down her face. And mine. She is like in a cocoon. Can’t break out all the way. Love from mom and dad make her feel better though….Then 5 days later….She has a bandaid on her neck where tubes used to be. She breaths like us! Can smell. She can talk too, but doesn’t know it yet. She no longer has a neck brace collar. So she’s lookin just like anybody else. She’s regular looking. They put t-shirts and shorts on her. They can get her up to use a walker, it takes 2 people with her of course, but from 52 days in bed to 8-10 steps is huge, Huge, HUGE!!! They are slow steps, if they say right foot, she moves right foot. Left, left. They tell her the first 2 steps then she does the rest. Once when we were gone, we had them bring her a phone and when the nurse put it toward her head, she reached for it, brought it to her ear and listened to us talk to her, nurse said she was nodding her tiny little nods, yes, um hum, yes….so miss Nicole is slowly making her journey back to us, in time maybe she’ll be able to tell us what she remembers. Some people have told us they didn’t remember 2-3mos in rehab until they got home, others have said they have in and out’s at rehab. So we’ll see. It’s cool to see her coming around though. Very cool. Her dad asked her for a hug, said he hadn’t gotten one from her in a long time. Her left arm reached all the way around his back, I snuck the right one up, then it was ok…and I watched her rub his back, didn’t have to ask him later about that, already knew what it did for him. God has heard you, please keep it up..and Thank you from the bottom of my mending heart.
We need to rent a bedroom and bath for the next handfull of months in SF. For myself, my husband and my mom, so that we can be with Nicole. We’ll leave it cleaner than we find it, have good refs. would appreciate your help/networking, call 209-743-5025. please.
The last several days prior to Nicole “Moving out” of the hospital in Modesto, we were again touched with the love of the staff for our daughter. We’d get a mesg from her nurse, “The crew from ICU came in at 6:00am, said “Give us her wheel chair, we’re takin’ her!” and away they’d go taking Nicole…uh…wherever they took her! Nurses and aids would come in, shove a piece of paper in my pocket, when I read it later it’d say their home address & phone. We’d see someone in the pkg lot, they’d hollar..”How’s she doin’ what’s happening?” They’d come in her room and call us late at night, “I’m in here with Nicole, would you please bring her back later, we don’t get to see the outcome very often, would really like to see how she does. the tears, the choking up…you can’t ask for better. And we will parade her through that ICU with smiles on our faces. She was in ICU for 45 days, then went to a different area in the hospital for a week. We moved her on day 52 to San Francisco. The place is built for quiet, state of the art, professional therapy. The staff is educated that way too. Nicole is addressed when they come in, not us. This is cool. She is entering a new stage, the wild one, (Dr.s say it’s great to get to but hang on!) So…get ready..I did see her the other day when the aide asked her to hand her the ball, she stuck it in her sock! Then I saw her also hide it in her neck brace collar thing! Oh boy…It’s kind of amazing, she’s conscious only here and there but its not like how we are, its lower and different, but can stand up for a few seconds and do those things. Amazing to watch. Well we’ve been trying to unwind from 52 days of shear panic and desperation. The night we left her in SF, we were: happy, sad exausted, proud, and…um..we left our broken hearts in San Francisco. But we know it’s the best thing for Nicole. We’ve looked and talked with all the choices. Best choice, best place, best Doctors, best therapists, best plan. They’re already making us happy because it’s about Nicole, not anyone else. We Like the little notes from you here and there, thank you for staying with us, and encouraging us to go on. Love, Kolpacks ttyl
Please pray for Nicole and send her a lot of encouraging energy tonight and for the next few days, we are moving her to San Francisco tomorrow. They say it’s very stressful for warriors in her condition to be moved, that it sets them back a bit and bothers them. We are scared and excited. Will fill you in later how it goes. Love, Kolpacks ttyl.
DAY 49 Its late. I’m on the couch with my laptop on, I look alot now like how I started this day. I have wet, towel dried hair that looks like a spider web. the TV’s on.. mute. When we got up this morning Glenn asked me, “Are we going to San Francisco today?” We both were so exausted we couldn’t bear the idea of taking a 3 hr drive to another rehab center tour that’s usually about 2 hrs long. Then having to drive the 3 hrs back home, and that would mean not seeing our daughter today aswell. Everything is so exausting. I said “well it’s just that everyday that passes without Nicole in a rehab center is another day lost of her opportunity window” He said “Exactly” I walked into my bathroom, put on some already worn clothes from the floor, brushed my teeth, looked at myself in the mirror with a brush in my hand, and stopped. Who gives a crap if my hair is comed, I put down the brush walked out and told him I was ready. This is lousy. The only nice feeling I had is that a member of our family is with Nicole when we aren’t. Today it happened to be my sister Deena. My mom and everybody else would be at the yard sale/fundraiser for Nicole’s expenses and care. Maybe i’ll never get to care for her at home. Maybe is getting to be more of a reality everyday damb day. Looking out the window as we were on our way down there I was thinking of all the times i’d been to San Francisco just to go and have fun. There had been quite a few of those times. A couple of weeks after this happened when me and Glenn were going over all the different ways this journey could take us…and Nicole on, he told me that after his son died in that car accident, there was something in him that was never all the way quite happy again, and for me to prepare myself for that. To never be all the way quite happy again. I had already found that empty void inside me on my own. So we get to the Rehab center go on the tour, really like what we see and hear. My phone vibrates in my pocket. I ignore it….Glenns phone vibrated in my other pocket, I ignore it. My phone vibrates again. I pull it out and see DEENA on my phone. I bust out and interupt the lady talking nonstop…while i’m dialing my sister..”I’m sorry, my sister is calling both phones….there must be an emergency.” (God please don’t let it get any worse.) I put in on speaker…”Deena. What’s wrong?” “Nicole was looking at me differently, I said sweetie it’s auntie….pause…can you see me? and she shook her head yes!” Me, glenn and the lady all busted out crying….Deena: “Then I said, honey if you can hear me, squeeze my hand…and Bonnie she did.”
It took us over 2 hrs to get to our daughter, they’d given her a xanex because she’d had an overabundance of stuff go on by the time we got there, so she was starting to get real tired. But here’s what she does…the shake head nods are very, very slight..like 1/2 inch up and 1/2 inch down, 1 or 2 times in a row. The squeeze hands..are ever so slight. But it’s all cognitive and responsive AND REAL…just before we left Nicole’s room tonight Deena said “Nicole, do you love your daddy?”…and she shook her head..yes.
I just looked over at Glenn on the couch, I can barely see him it’s so dark, he has slept with Nicole’s leopard print pillow off her bed since May 1st., 49 days. He’s hugging on it…and snooring pretty deep. I get the hot pink satin pillow..it’s right here next to me. I’m gonna go do the same thing…i’ll wait till morning to tell him Happy Father’s Day.