DAY 49 Its late. I’m on the couch with my laptop on, I look alot now like how I started this day. I have wet, towel dried hair that looks like a spider web. the TV’s on.. mute. When we got up this morning Glenn asked me, “Are we going to San Francisco today?” We both were so exausted we couldn’t bear the idea of taking a 3 hr drive to another rehab center tour that’s usually about 2 hrs long. Then having to drive the 3 hrs back home, and that would mean not seeing our daughter today aswell. Everything is so exausting. I said “well it’s just that everyday that passes without Nicole in a rehab center is another day lost of her opportunity window” He said “Exactly” I walked into my bathroom, put on some already worn clothes from the floor, brushed my teeth, looked at myself in the mirror with a brush in my hand, and stopped. Who gives a crap if my hair is comed, I put down the brush walked out and told him I was ready. This is lousy. The only nice feeling I had is that a member of our family is with Nicole when we aren’t. Today it happened to be my sister Deena. My mom and everybody else would be at the yard sale/fundraiser for Nicole’s expenses and care. Maybe i’ll never get to care for her at home. Maybe is getting to be more of a reality everyday damb day. Looking out the window as we were on our way down there I was thinking of all the times i’d been to San Francisco just to go and have fun. There had been quite a few of those times. A couple of weeks after this happened when me and Glenn were going over all the different ways this journey could take us…and Nicole on, he told me that after his son died in that car accident, there was something in him that was never all the way quite happy again, and for me to prepare myself for that. To never be all the way quite happy again. I had already found that empty void inside me on my own. So we get to the Rehab center go on the tour, really like what we see and hear. My phone vibrates in my pocket. I ignore it….Glenns phone vibrated in my other pocket, I ignore it. My phone vibrates again. I pull it out and see DEENA on my phone. I bust out and interupt the lady talking nonstop…while i’m dialing my sister..”I’m sorry, my sister is calling both phones….there must be an emergency.” (God please don’t let it get any worse.) I put in on speaker…”Deena. What’s wrong?” “Nicole was looking at me differently, I said sweetie it’s auntie….pause…can you see me? and she shook her head yes!” Me, glenn and the lady all busted out crying….Deena: “Then I said, honey if you can hear me, squeeze my hand…and Bonnie she did.”

It took us over 2 hrs to get to our daughter, they’d given her a xanex because she’d had an overabundance of stuff go on by the time we got there, so she was starting to get real tired. But here’s what she does…the shake head nods are very, very slight..like 1/2 inch up and 1/2 inch down, 1 or 2 times in a row. The squeeze hands..are ever so slight. But it’s all cognitive and responsive AND REAL…just before we left Nicole’s room tonight Deena said “Nicole, do you love your daddy?”…and she shook her head..yes.

I just looked over at Glenn on the couch, I can barely see him it’s so dark, he has slept with Nicole’s leopard print pillow off her bed since May 1st., 49 days. He’s hugging on it…and snooring pretty deep. I get the hot pink satin pillow..it’s right here next to me. I’m gonna go do the same thing…i’ll wait till morning to tell him Happy Father’s Day.